I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
