nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Randomize
