It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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