Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
