They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
