So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize