On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
