apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
