i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
