Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
