The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
