Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
