My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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