i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
