nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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