They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
