Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
