The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
