alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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