Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
