so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
