how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
