I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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