I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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