Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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