Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
