Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
