I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
