I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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