when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
