mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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