im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
