just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
