Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
