I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
