vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
