we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
