You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
