Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
