$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
