My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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