It's like God shit irony all over that family
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
