he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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