Just took my morning after pill in the library
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
