Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize