So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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