I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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