If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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