We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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