I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
