my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
