i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
