i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
