sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
