I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
